The Battle to Regain LIFE

The last 4 plus years of my life have been saturated by a nasty struggle with my health, and the subsequent illnesses, which at times, consume my body, mind and life. I have "good" days, and I have "bad" days, although unfortunately the majority reside in the latter category. As a result of my ongoing challenges with chronic illness, my life has not been anything close to what I hoped for, anticipated, dreamed of, envisioned, nor planned. I know (and believe - at least most days) that my experiences have a greater purpose and are continuing to shape me and my future successes, and hopefully, my ability to help others, and even heal myself. Still, this attempt at a positive outlook does not make me immune from a deep sadness and anger associated with missing so much of my life as a young person in their twenties, and soon, early thirties. In fact, the best way I can describe feelings related to this piece of my journey thus far, is simply that I've felt frozen, and that life has been passing me by at tremendous speeds while I watch passively through a double paned window. I believe that a part of this "frozen" feeling is directly related to the fact I did not have any answers for my worsening health state for many years.

I've seen countless doctors since the age of 25 - which is another story in and of itself - but was only finally diagnosed with two auto immune diseases on April 11th of this year. It took another 4/5 months to obtain coverage for one of the medications I will need to help stop the disease progression in my body. I have yet to begin the injections, but hope to do so next week in fact. I am both excited and terrified. Excited for the obvious reasons: That I may actually begin to feel better again, .. to feel human and reclaim my life! I also feel scared and anxious. Why? Because even while I am trying to be as positive as possible, I still have a fear in the back of my mind, .. the question which looms large: What if it DOESN'T work? And then what? I am TRYING not to go there unless I need to cross that bridge, but I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said I didn't feel this way.

When my many symptoms began to present themselves back in late 2006, I was in a pretty good place in most realms of my life. I was proud of my accomplishments, felt successful in many departments, was excited about what my future held, and truly had a passion for everything in my life. At that point in time I had graduated with a BA in psychology, obtained my counselor's license, began working as an Intervention Prevention Specialist Counselor with children (yes, a long title, I know, .. but not nearly as glamorous and complicated as it sounds!), and was applying for graduate programs to get my JD. I was also financially stable, and while not wealthy by a long stretch, did have nice things and certainly didn't want or need for anything. I was also beginning to plan my future family, as aside from the matters involving my back condition and a pregnancy which would have been constricted to bed rest, having babies was not out of the question and very much expected and desired (the latter still is, but now the dream has all but faded away as a possibility, let alone an expectation). In addition to these and other positive aspects of my life, I had support and strength in several wonderfully loving and loyal (or so I thought) friends and family. It's funny how those you believe will never abandoned you - no matter the circumstance - so easily evaporate into thin air when your life no longer resembles the perfect picture you once held so dear.

When a person loses their health and goes to war with their own body, it's no stretch of the truth to state that everything else is directly affected as well. It's like a game of dominos. Sooner rather than later each piece is knocked down; financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc. For the last few years my life has literally consisted of just surviving. Rebuilding my life, my hopes, dreams and future, are all sitting on the back burner right now, as I cannot truly live, only focus on surviving, until I witness healing for my body. I am fairly confident that these continuing struggles and experiences are a foundation for something pretty awesome some day ... and some day soon I hope. As a direct result of my situation, I have spent the past few years doing A LOT of research within the medical field, and in doing so, have truly taught myself how to be an advocate (and now I'm known as "Dr. Brenna" within my family and close group of friends, lol). Using my education and work experience within the fields of psychology, counseling, and even a few healing modalities, I realized that by sharing my experiences and knowledge through writing, these past few years may not be such a sad waste after all. My hope and goal is that it may become something amazing for both myself (and ultimately my own healing on several levels), as well as a way to reach others and touch their lives .. specifically those who face similar struggles. With all that said, I have created a few blogs which focus on these exact subjects, and am presently working on designing my own website and blog which may encompass all of my writing, research, and compiled knowledge.

Just Surviving with Chronic Illness ... Lessons of Balance & So Much More

One of the bigger lessons I have been taught repeatedly while dealing with chronic illness is simple enough; it's a funny thing we call balance. Learning how to NOT overdo things when I do have the energy to accomplish everyday tasks and life's more complex challenges alike. And it's something which is so much easier said than done. Such anxious and frenzied rushes to "get things done," are specifically in attempts to make up for the wasted time which has gotten away from me, and that time slides away with great speed and ease, much like sand sifting through an hour glass, picking up speed with every passing moment. So much time and pure "life" feels wasted, robbed, and sadly forgotten, for lack of better words, during those all too common and frequent periods when I feel so horrible. This lesson has not been an easy one. It sounds so simplistic, yet for me, for whatever reason, it is so very complicated and a huge challenge. It's frustrating for sure ... it's even overwhelming at times. It seems as though every aspect of my life is fraught with this battle, and I cannot begin describe how very disheartening it can be. Even when it comes to writing, blogging and working on my websites, all things I love to do and bring me some sense of normalcy, success and productivity, I am faced with this ever present battle and I'm getting so very tired of it! Can you hear my pure and obvious irritation?!? LOL ... Yes, I believe I've thoroughly expressed it. And, I am fairly certain that you can relate to this internal tug of war as well. 

Plain and simple, I have been experiencing writer's block recently. And, while my life, and all of the battles within my war with the medical system, my body, my life and my health, continue marching forward, I feel even more frozen than usual. I feel this strange, and albeit, an unsettling combination of sensations where I have so much to say, so much to share, but no words to properly and completely express my many emotions and experiences. I want so desperately to use my life, and all of the things I have endured as a result of my health struggles, to be both a means of finding some sort of healing for my mind, body and spirit, as well as a vehicle to reach that ever elusive feeling of success, self satisfaction, and a greater life's purpose. While I am both encouraged and strengthened to see and hear so many other's stories similar in nature to mine, in some strange twist, I feel more defeated, unneeded, and no longer unique and special in what I have to contribute to this world. A strange jealousy factor without a doubt. One of which I feel guilt and confusion too.

You can feel so alone when you're chronically ill, especially when you're so young.  As a way of finding some hope and understanding, reaching out to others whom also find themselves similar circumstances, can be both empowering, in addition to ushering in some relief from that ever-present sense of loneliness. But still, even with the smaller victories, those "good days," the brief glimpses at the smallest peak of light near the end of the dark tunnel, even with the occasional cheerleader found in the most unexpected person, place and time, the sadness and uncomfortable silence is palpable. I guess one could say that I've been feeling somewhat depressed as of late. A state of mind and being which I am not one to admit so quickly. Perhaps I'd rather tell myself something different than what my inner self truly feels. Whether it's a way of remaining positive - a fake it til you make it type of thing. Or more simple in terms and listed as basic denial. Maybe it's more likely something of a combo platter. I am not entirely sure. What I do know is that it's a sense of melancholy and fear which I cannot seem to put my finger on. 

We all need something to look forward to, some excitement and joy in our lives, and when reviewing the last few years, I can securely state that the much needed sense of happiness, peace, excitement and/or thrill for life has been lacking in my world of simply surviving. Some days that "simply surviving" mind set is enough to consume me. I don't want that to be the case, nor do I look to make it happen, but it does exist. I find myself unable to look forward, maybe because I am still stuck wadding through my past. I try to just be in the moment, just make it through, making a conscious effort not to dwell on all that's been lost to the days gone, but also unwilling to gaze into the future, as I find myself overwhelmed by too many emotions to count. Other days, perhaps even the ones where I feel a little better, I feel so lost and scared, wondering if my life will ever be more than just surviving to another day. I think anyone who loses so much so young can relate to that kind of desperation. At least I'd like to think so. Whomever created the saying "sick and tired of being sick and tired" was very brilliant, as I am beyond sick and tired. 

We do have a tremendous impact on our own health, our body, mind, spirit, attitude, future's, so much of our lives and even a bit of others' lives as well. And while we can attempt to steer in a certain direction, as a simple fact of life, we do not have control and power over everything, in fact, we seem to have only a little power and control over a few things ... the rest, left up to fate, destiny, random events of reactions for each action, and a great many other beliefs, concepts, and philosphoies. I apologize, my intention for this post was not to get too philosophical, although for whatever reason, I am tittering on the edge of that broad, questionable universe. Anyways, my point was to transition to the subject of dreams and how they are clearly intertwined with my ever-evolving nutty life and existence. For a while I stopped having dreams, if not simply because I asked for just that - not to dream - as it was just too much on top of everything else. Funny thing to say and hope for, huh? Recently I began dreaming in my slumber once again, and strangely it's only increased my sadness. Perhaps because I am dreaming of things I wish I had, things I feel slipped through my finger tops, things I once nearly had as  a reality and lost with tremendous resistance, only to break my heart into tiny pieces for years to come. I often find myself thinking that when I'm better, when I feel normal, healthy, you know, like a normal human being again, I will be able to reach for those dreams, to heal those relationships, to have all I ever wanted, dreamed of (literally I suppose), and anticipated. Sometimes these visions bring me joy, promise, hope and inspiration, ... and then other days, it's quite the opposite, and I awake even more fearful, depressed, anxious and sad than before. I know dreams are said to be the mind and spirit's way of processing events and feelings in one's life, at least that's what I tend to believe. Some of those dreams feel so impossible now, so far away, so unlikely, and well, that only generates more sorrow to further envelope my already exhausted and lost being. 

This post was not created with the intention of being so solemn, but it certainly appears to have gone that path, doesn't it?!? As I've stated many times before, my hope for sharing my experiences and subsequent emotions here is with the desire to help others, to offer some hope, and even some true knowledge that if you're facing similar battles at this moment in time, you are not alone, even when it feels as though you are living in a deserted waste land of illness, loss, misunderstanding, hopelessness, and desperation for some real life. Not just a life where you are simply surviving to make it to the next day. I know my words, my attempts to touch others lives', is nothing close to that of a magical cure nor a fix for what you may be enduring at this very moment. I wish it was. I wish I had a magic wand.